Leeds United 4 – 1 Newcastle United: The Magpies Battered Under The Elland Road Lights

Elland Road under the lights. Is there anything better in football? In its current guise, I think it’s safe to answer that with a resounding no.

I came into the Newcastle game with a little trepidation. Maybe it was the 27-hour round trip I had to make the following day filling me with anxiety. Maybe it was because I looked at Newcastle and didn’t see the calamity that so many expected during pre-season. Whatever it was, I needn’t have worried. Daniel Farke’s Leeds United under the Elland Road lights are as imperious as ever.

And this wasn’t just a case of Leeds beating Newcastle. We bullied them. Physically, mentally, “with ball and without ball” (shoutout to Paul Heckingbottom). After an opening 15-minute onslaught, Newcastle briefly looked as though they might have weathered the storm. Then Ao Tanaka struck from the edge of the box, via Sean Steur and Lewis Miley, and Elland Road erupted.

Or, more accurately, half of the South Stand erupted before the ball had even crossed the line. There’s something fucking beautiful about that. From where they were standing, you could see exactly where the ball was heading. The deflections had completely wrong-footed Hornicek and for that split second we’re celebrating a goal that technically hasn’t even happened yet.

From there, Newcastle were battered.

James Justin delivered a lovely ball into the box and Dominic Calvert-Lewin leapt like a salmon to plant a header into the corner. The fact that a 6’2” man can generate that much height from a standing start is nothing short of incredible. I’m just happy when I can touch the ceiling. Unfortunately, the dubious goals panel subsequently decided that neither Tanaka nor Calvert-Lewin deserved their moment, awarding the first as a Lewis Miley own goal and the second as a Jayden Bogle goal. Spoilsports.

Calvert-Lewin wasn’t having that. Tarik Muharemović produced an outrageous flick, Calvert-Lewin collected it and proceeded to make Sven Botman look as though Harry Potter had just hit him with the Jelly-Legs Curse. This one belonged to Dom. No dubious goals panel. No arguments.

But the goals almost became secondary to what Leeds were doing to Newcastle. Every challenge seemed to be won by a white shirt. Every loose ball seemed to fall to one. Newcastle wanted time and Leeds refused to give them any. They wanted to play through us and found bodies everywhere. They wanted a foothold in the game and Elland Road simply wouldn’t allow them one.

This was the complete performance I’d been waiting for. Against Brighton, we were excellent before allowing them back into it. Against Chelsea, we were brilliant before collapsing spectacularly. Against Brentford, we needed to fight our way back after a poor start.

Newcastle got neither version of Leeds. They just got battered.

And when Noah Okafor stuck away a frankly sexual volley in the second half, the result was no longer in doubt. The South Stand was bouncing to Let’s Go Fucking Mental, Newcastle looked like they wanted to go home, and Leeds were heading into the European places.

Newcastle supporters also got their first proper taste of the Red Bull school of football that Mathias Jaissle comes from, and I’m not sure they’ll have enjoyed it very much. Leeds fans have seen this movie before. We lived through Jesse Marsch and his narrow, frantic, vertical football where everything seemed to happen at a hundred miles an hour through the middle of the pitch. When it works, I’m sure it looks great. When it doesn’t, it can look absolutely fucking horrendous.

And against Leeds, it looked horrendous. Newcastle were repeatedly caught trying to play quickly and directly through areas where Leeds simply had more bodies. There seemed to be very little attempt to slow the game down, take the sting out of Elland Road or change the pattern once it became obvious that Leeds were winning the physical battle.

There’s obviously a long way to go under Jaissle, and one terrible night at Elland Road doesn’t define a manager. But if Newcastle supporters are subjected to too many more performances like this, that Red Bull philosophy is going to become very unpopular, very quickly. Leeds fans can probably tell them exactly how that story ends.

I’d spent the build-up wondering which version of Leeds United was going to turn up. Turns out we finally got both halves. Now I just need to get my passport renewed.

Leeds United 4 – 1 Newcastle United Player Ratings

James Trafford – 5

I might be harsh on Trafford here, but he scared the shit out of me a few times by allowing Newcastle players to get far too close before releasing the ball. Maybe he just wanted to make the game a little more interesting, but still. Time and place, James.

Jayden Bogle – 9

Absolutely immense from Bogle. Almost scored a lovely goal in the first half when he turned and shot, only for Hornicek to make a great save. Then actually did score an unlikely goal, before it was eventually given back to Calvert-Lewin. Bogle won’t mind. A superb performance from start to finish. Came so close to being my MOTM.

James Justin – 8

What a signing. What a player. Despite playing what is, on paper, the RCB role, Justin appears on the right so often to contribute to the attack. Put a lovely cross into the box for the second goal and was excellent throughout. A very nice assist indeed.

Nico Elvedi – 7

In terms of value, another phenomenal signing. You can see exactly why Farke likes him. I’d still like to see him contribute more from corners and crosses into the box in the way Bijol does, but defensively, Elvedi is sound.

Tarik Muharemović – 9

I will eventually run out of superlatives to describe Tarik Muharemović. Comfortable at the back, cut out several Newcastle balls over the top and repeatedly played his way out of defence. Then there was that beautiful flick to set up Calvert-Lewin’s second.

I’ve given him an extra mark for stopping Barnes from scoring when he got his body on the line first-half. Fuck you, Harvey Barnes.

Gabi Gudmundsson – 8

Watching Gabi steam past players down the left is such a beautiful sight. He had that side locked down for large parts of the game, and you could see the frustration beginning to boil over.

Murphy spitefully kicked out at Gudmundsson after Gabi won the ball near our goal, turned him and simply started dribbling away. So good having him back.

Ethan Ampadu – 8

Captain. Leader. Legend. When we’re on top, Ampadu controls the game. His long throw continues to be a genuine weapon and played its part in the fourth goal.

The fact he then turned around and smiled at the Newcastle supporters who had been giving him grief was just the icing on the cake.

Ao Tanaka – 8

It’s hard to fathom that people were talking about selling Ao during the summer. When Leeds are dominant, everything seems to go through him. On top of that, he does his defensive work and is constantly snapping into challenges.

He still has moments where he can be sloppy, and one of those presented Harvey Barnes with a great opportunity, but this was another excellent performance.

Robbed of a goal by the dubious goals panel.

Anton Stach – 7

Helped Leeds control the midfield and continually drove us forward. Another solid performance now rewarded with a call-up to the Germany national team.

Noah Okafor – 8

Had Dedic absolutely terrified, to the point Newcastle decided they needed to double up on the electric Okafor.

In the same week that he decided to remove himself from international duty for as long as Yakin remains Head Coach, he produced a beautiful finish at Elland Road, with more than 30,000 people collectively sticking their fingers up at Yakin in solidarity with our Noah.

Some week.

Dominic Calvert-Lewin – 9

When Calvert-Lewin plays like this, he is simply unplayable.

He bullied Thiaw and Botman to the point that both will probably need therapy afterwards. His first goal was an incredible header and his second was sheer force and determination.

He should have had a hat-trick when Hornicek denied him from close range and, had the penalty been given inside the opening minute, you wouldn’t have bet against him burying that as well.

Two goals. Nearly four.

Absolutely battered them.

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Dominic Calvert-Lewin

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